A rant on euphemisms, weaponry and sex scenes

There comes a time in a story when the characters will fall into bed with each other. Be it the Princess that has finally found her Prince and is ready for the Happily Ever After, the traumatic but necessary rape/plot device, or simply the Hero finally managing to convince the voluptuous Amazon warrior that he is worth a tumble in bed.

There are different ways to write a sex scene. From the succinct "They made love" to the long winded 3 page description of every move and feeling. I'm not saying one is better than the other, they fit their purposes.

With the first there is not much that can go wrong, except feeling that you wanted more. But you can always fill in the rest with your imagination.

With the more verbose kind it is easy to mess things up. The problem lies on trying to describe the body parts. With mouth, hands, neck, feet, legs or thighs everything is fine. Breasts are no problem at all. But as we reach the point where the intimate parts are involved things get confusing.

There seems to be no proper way to designate the bits involved. Even with the amount of names available to describe both male and female anatomy, there seems to never be a right one. They are either to clinical or too crude. Female parts are often referred to as mounds, folds, that place between her legs or the vague "inside". Male bits can have the very proper name of Phallus, manhood, member, or a string of euphemisms relying on long, thin objects for imagery. But lets face it, neither of the first three are very arousing. So many resort to euphemisms, which is not bad. It's just the choice of euphemism that will cause problems. And here is where my complaint lies.

I realize there is a reason someone might call it a spear. It's long, it's used in thrusting movements. But, specially in Fantasy, it does mean something else (you know, the actual weapon). In my first encounter with this particular euphemism I didn't realize there was sex involved. I literally thought the poor girl was being speared to death. When she simply went mad after that I thought it wasn't that bad, after all she was alive. Maybe that's why I cringe every time someone calls it a spear. Or a sword.

So please, I ask, keep away from weapon euphemisms when writing sex scenes, specially if said weapon is used for something else (i.e. Killing people). Or if you do, please make sure the reader is aware there is going to be sex involved, lest they be scared for life.

Reading Challenge - 6 to 10

6 - Puppet Master by Joanne Owen

I got this book because a review suggested that if I loved Tim Burton, I would love this book. I can see why they said that. But I did not love it, just liked it a bit. I loved the presentation of the book, with a sort of worn look, with illustrations resembling old newspaper clippings. I also liked the structure, with short stories and fairy tales in the middle of the main story. I even liked the premise, with an evil puppet master kidnapping children and using them as slaves and puppets. I loved that it was set in Prague, as I really love that city.

So why did I not love this book? I think it is one of those cases that I am too old to enjoy it. I needed something more elaborate, more adult and this book wasn't it. But probably the faults lies in me.

(3.5/5)


7 - Lud-in-the-Mist by Hope Mirrlees

Lud-in-the-Mist has been recommended as an obscure and pre-Tolkien fantasy book, although it is more of a fairy tale sort of book (it does deal with fairies). The world of Lud-in-the-Mist is fascinating. Everything is beautifully described, the places and its colours, its history and traditions, the characters and their relationships. I loved the writing style, specially the character descriptions, like this one:

"Master Nathaniel Chanticleer, the actual head of the family, was a typical Dorimarite in appearance; rotund, rubicund, red-haired, with hazel eyes in which the jokes, before he uttered them, twinkled like a trout in a burn."

A very enjoyable read, with humorous and poignant moments, full of adventure and mystery. Recommended for all fantasy fans!

(4.5/5)


8 - Birdwing by Rafe Martin

I found this book as a recommendation to Daughter of the Forest, by Juliet Marillier, as it is based on the same fairy tale. It is a continuation of the story, telling what happen to Ardwin, the brother that was left with a swan wing instead of an arm.

It is an enjoyable young adult read, dealing with issues of prejudice, being different and friendship.

Full review

(4/5)



9 - Odalisque by Fiona McIntosh

After reading Royal Exile and Tyrant's Blood (and loving it), I had to read more of Fiona McIntosh, so I picked up Odalisque. Heavily inspired by the Ottoman Empire, it follows the story of Ana, chosen as an Odalisque for the new Zar. At first it seems to follow a political storyline, with a bit of romance in the mix. But soon there is the introduction of a new mystery, a struggle between gods and a prophetic message warning about a demon coming to destroy the Goddess.

I really liked this book, and will soon read the rest of the series. I enjoyed the world building, and the promise of more regarding the story of the Goddess. There are amazing characters, both good and evil, and the changes in point of view help to fully understand all of them.

(4.5/5)


10 - Lavinia by Ursula K. Le Guin

First and foremost I have to say that Ursula K. Le Guin is one of my favourite authors (if not THE favourite). I bought this book without knowing what it was about. Her name on the cover was enough. And it didn't disappoint.

Different from her other works, Lavinia is based on the Aeneid, telling the story of Lavinia, to whom Virgil devoted little space. Would I like it better had I read the masterpiece? Maybe, but I enjoyed discovering bit by bit the story of Lavinia and Aeneas.

Lavinia is a love story in essence, but it is also much more than that. It's about family and tradition, war and betrayal, and about giving voice to a character that had none. What did I like about this book? I loved the slight non-linearity of it. I loved the metafiction aspect of it. I loved that despite knowing what was going to happen in the end, I still wanted to know how it happened. I truly recommend this book.

(4.5/5)

Reading Challenge - 1 to 5

Last August I decided to keep a reading log, writing down when I started and finished a book, and how many pages it had. This was done mostly so I could know how many books I read in a year. My answer usually was "a lot", but I had no figure to go with that.

This year I decided that I would make a challenge out of it. I will read 75 books in 2010. Call it a New Year's resolution. Of course it won't be purely 75 books. Graphic novels will not be taken into account, very small books might not be either.

Here are the first five books, with a very small review on each (the first book was started still on 2009, but I will put it on this list anyway).



1 - Shadowmancer by G. P. Taylor.

This book seemed to drag on, and on. I thought I would never finish it. Overall I didn't like it. It felt too much cliché, and had too many religious undertones. To tell the truth, I thought I was being preached the entire time. And I don't like that. I never related to the characters or with their quest, most of the time I thought they were running around aimlessly.

(2/5)




2- Alphabet of Thorn by Patricia A. McKillip

This book was bought mostly because of its cover. It is simply stunning.

What is most fascinating about it is the scenery. A city built on the top of the cliffs, with only a small staircase carved onto the rock to reach the sea; a beautiful forest, everchanging, that houses a magic school.

The story is also very good, discovered bit by bit as Nepenthe decipherers the book written in thorns, a secret language. The story told on this book eventually crosses with Nepenthe's own story and the story of the kingdom she calls home.

So, why is this not a great read? Because I couldn't care less about the protagonists. I never identified with any of them, and they were not very likeable either. If not for that this book could easily become a favourite.

(4/5)



3 -  Kushiel's Chosen by Jacqueline Carey

The second book in the Kushiel Series, and it doesn't disappoint. There is intrigue and romance like in the first book, and very good characters.

But the issues I had with the first book continue in this one (and will probably continue throughout the series): the writing style does not convince me. Maybe I'm too picky, or just prefer things simpler, but most of the time I have the feeling that the author wrote with a thesaurus right next to her. Changing the name of real places (and people) only slightly was much more of a deal to me on the first book than on this one. Maybe I got used to it.

But all in all, it is a good story that left me wanting to read the next in the series.


(4/5)



4 - The Phoenix by Ruth Sims

I found this book to be average, and in some parts didn't fully convince me that it could be true. This is a gay romance, and one of the man involved is very religious, which bring the whole feeling guilty and committing a sin drama. But he still goes to bed with another man without a second thought.

It was an amusing read, not too graphical when describing sex scenes, which is a bonus, because I wasn't looking for smut, but character development. But it failed short on that.

(3/5)



5 - The Tough Guide to Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones

This is more of an encyclopaedia than a book. It is funny in most passages, and does catalogue most of the fantasy clichés. But it still feels like reading a dictionary.

(4/5)

Howl's Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

Howl's Moving Castle


Howl's Moving Castle is one of those classics that I only discovered when the movie came along. Pity, really, because I could (should) have read it sooner. It's a brilliant story, full of adventure and humour. It is also a love story, but you don't realize it till the end.

Howl's Moving Castle is the story of Sophie, the eldest sister, who is destined to be the least accomplished of all, and to have a (very) dull life. So she believes. After being cursed by the Witch of the Waste, turned into an old woman, she sets off from her home and finds herself seeking shelter in the castle of the “evil” wizard Howl, known for stealing girls' hearts. And then the adventures begin.

Although the story of Howl's Moving Castle is very good, what I really love about it are the characters, that are truly wonderful.

Howl, with all his vanity and drama queen behaviour, seems quite shallow at first, but, deep inside, is a very good person and quite intriguing. And his temper tantrums are the best, with green slime oozing out of him just to spite Sophie off.

Sophie, suddenly transformed into an old lady is very vocal and nosey. It's amazing how she acted as being 90 years old, like she had lived enough to be able to complain about everything, and be entitled to boss all the “youngsters” around, yet still shows some adolescent traits, like the way she thinks that it's not fair that she looks 90 being so young, and that the Witch of the Waste which is an old hag looks young and elegant.

Calcifer, my favourite, is a fire demon, bound by a contract with Howl, in charge of moving the castle (besides providing, begrudgingly, hot water and fire for cooking). He is the one that convinces Sophie to stay, enlisting her to break his contract with Howl, while he promises to break her curse.

I read Howl's Moving Castle after seeing Miyazaki's versionof the story. And although I truly love that movie, the book is indubitably better (as it always is). But as such, most of the plot was known to me, and I already knew which characters would be important. But I enjoyed it nonetheless. If at first the story seems to be exactly the same in the book and in the anime, soon there are little details in the story that enrich it, give depth to the characters (for example, the inclusion of Wales in Howl's world. Usually the appearance of “real” places into an otherwise fantasy world makes me cringe, look at the book with distaste and ponder never to pick it up again; in Howl's Moving Castle I found it fitting).

So, Howl's Moving Castle is going to be one of those books that I will never part with, reread until the pages are worn, and recommend to everyone I know.

(5/5)

Instructions by Neil Gaiman

Instructions By Neil Gaiman, Illustrations by Charles Vess

I first read Instructions in Fragile Things, a collection of short stories and poems by Neil Gaiman. I really loved this poem. It beautifully simple, and true, and what fairy tales are made of. It is also a classic Neil Gaiman story.

Now it's going to be released as a picture book. And there is a book trailer, with the poem read by the author himself, and some of the illustrations by Charles Vess.

It's magical. That's all I can say. It needs no more words. Go watch it. Go rewatch it. I will.

Heart's Blood by Juliet Marillier

This review has been written for The David Gemmell Legend Awards for Fantasy site.






Heart's Blood tells the story of Caitrin, forced to leave her house, running from her violent and controlling family. She finds herself upon Whistling Tor, a place dominated by a haunted castle, where spirits roam the hill, terrifying the village. The Lord of the castle, Anluan, does nothing to save the villagers from the presences of the underworld, in fact, he does nothing to rule his lands.

When Caitrin ran, she took with herself the tools of her father's trade: inks, quills and paper. As a scribe, and fluent in Latin, she sees an opportunity when a man from the castle comes to the village inquiring for someone with such skills.

She comes to meet Anluan, a man with a bad temper and some physical deficiencies, and a retinue of servants, most of them not entirely human. Her task will be to translate the diaries of Anluan great-grandfather, in which there might be a way to save the Whistling Tor from the host of undead that roam the hill.

Based on the Beauty and the Beast fairytale, Heart's Blood is much more than a simple retelling. Caitrin, the heroine, is a girl running away from the nightmare that her house has become, but not a frighten girl cowering from the world. She has a strong mind and during the story she comes to face her biggest fears. Anluan, the “Beast”, is not the monster portrayed in the fairytale. Most of his beastly qualities are due to his temper, and his attitude towards Caitrin. Most of all, he sees himself as a monster. However, the story does have the elements of the fairytale, a magic plant, not a Rose, but Heart's Blood; a magic mirror, actually several; a household full of enchanted servants, in this case undead. And of course, a happily ever after ending.

Although the book follows Caitrin, there are different storylines woven in Heart's Blood. Parallel to Caitrin's story, there is the story of Nechtan, the evil great-grandfather, and his quest to assemble an horde of spirits to his binding; the story of Anluan's father, Irial, a botanist at heart struggling with depression after his wife death; and the story of the women of Whistling Tor, all of them with a tragic ending.

Among the amazing characters are the undead that live in the castle. Do not think of spirits, because they can be touched, they are not wisps of smoke moving about; neither are they zombies, running aimlessly around. They are clearly different, cold and pale, but they remain human (although some more than others). And it's their humanity that brings a bigger depth to this story, to be more than a simple fairytale.

It's a beautiful story, that deals with fears and disability, well suited for young adults, although there is no age restriction to like a good book. The style of writing is very fluid, like all of the Juliet Marillier's books. (5/5)

Birdwing By Rafe Martin

Birdwing by Rafe Martin

 

Based on the Six Swans fairytale, Birdwing tells the story of the younger brother that was left with a swan wing instead of an arm. It is mostly a story about growing up and accepting differences. But it is also an adventure story.

Ardwin, still a child when the spell that transformed him and his brothers into swans was broken, grows up different from everyone else, but chooses not to let his wing (and lack of arm) stop him from excelling in everything he does (and that includes sword fighting, lance throwing and archery). Even though he is a prince, he is met with disapproval and prejudice from other people and finds himself remembering the time when he was a swan and not different. He decides to return to the north where the swans stay, his departure fuelled by a gift from a neighbouring king of an mechanical arm. He sets off with his two close friends, but his plan is to follow by himself. Despite that, Ardwin makes new friends, human and animal.

I must confess I decided to read this book regarding it as a continuation of sorts to Daughter of the Forest by Juliet Marillier. Although both stories are based on the same fairytale, they are very different. And Ardwin, the main character is very different from Finbar.

Interesting is also the inclusion of the Goose Girl fairytale, but that I felt that was unnecessary.

A lot happens in this story, and is mostly told in rapid way. This does not mean it is rushed, apart from the ending that feels like the author either didn't know how to finish the story or couldn't be bothered to do it properly, so much of the ending is delivered by other characters telling it between themselves.

It is an enjoyable young adult read, Ardwin being a character easy to identify with. Other characters provide amusing moments. Horse (the horse, but that I kept picturing as Shrek's Donkey) provides much of the comic relief, while being a (somewhat) faithful companion.

(4/5)

Tyrant's Blood

Tyrant's Blood by Fiona McIntosh
This review has been written for The David Gemmell Legend Awards for Fantasy site (http://gemmellaward.com/). Go vote!

In Royal Exile Loethar had conquered the Denova Set by force and imposed himself as Emperor. Prince Leonel, now King after his father death, went into exile with his friend and protector, Gavriel de Vis, to find the bandit Kilt Faris.

Ten years have passed, and the Emperor has discarded his barbarian ways to become a just ruler. The Set has begun to forget the bloodshed and fear. King Leonel has grown as well, and although he has not given up on taking his throne back, he has to admit that Loethar is doing a fine job himself.

Royal Exile was about running and saving oneself. Every character did it, they all tried very hard to stay alive, either by running to protection or by allying (or pretending to) with the invaders. Tyrant's Blood is much deeper than that. It shows the time of peace, and what people are willing to do to maintain it, while trying to make things go their way.

This is a book that is hard to review without giving anything away. The plot twists and untwists, and the characters move from place to place, running from and encountering friends and foes. This is a dark story, disturbingly so at times. You will love characters, hate them the next chapter and later forgive them for all the wrongdoings. You'll find yourself in a world that appears to have finally settled, only to discover that there is a greater darkness at work.

There are lots of things that I loved about Tyrant's Blood. I loved the Prologue. I believe it stands as a story on it own. It will confuse the reader at first, making it wonder if they have the right book in their hands, as it is so different from Royal Exile. Yet, it will fit so perfectly.

I loved that the characters evolved when we weren't looking. Not only in the ten years that have passed, but throughout the book. I also love that there is not black and white, they are all shades of grey, and sometimes the darker tones are found where least expected.

And I loved the fact that this is truly adult fantasy, with no need of dragons and giant balls of magic being hurled around to be able to fit the genre.

An excellent read, although not for the squeamish.

(4.5/5)

Good Omens Review

Good Omens -  Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman

To quote Book-a-Minute, Five billion people almost DIE, and it is FUNNY.

That's the gist of Good Omens. But let's forget about the five billion almost dying, and focus on the funny. Because it's funny. Brilliantly so. Hilarious, actually.

It may sound obvious, but think about Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman, and put them together. Terry Pratchett's humour and Neil Gaiman's knack for surreality. That's all in there, tied together so well, that it is impossible to tell them apart.

Good Omens is about the Apocalypse and its Four Horsemen, the Anti-Christ, The Beginning and End of Things, Angels and Demons and everything else that comes with it. But most of all it is a set of stories that all converge into one point. The characters are believable, they are surreal, and you do expect them to pop out in the your street at any time, even if it is The Antichrist.

This book is a favourite of mine. When I need something that will amuse me and provide a good read this is usually the book I pick up. If I am to be found chuckling or even laughing out loud alone, this book is sure to be the cause of it.

(5/5)